Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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