I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
