Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
