Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
