come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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