i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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