Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
