actually, I'm a sock model
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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