Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
