he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
