Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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