There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Even the bartender felt bad for me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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