my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
