guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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