she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
