I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
