Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
where are my eyebrows?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
