Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
