Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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