you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
