I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
