My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
