He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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