If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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