How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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