you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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