Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
