i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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