youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
