There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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