WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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