im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
