So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
