oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
