Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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