Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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