No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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