So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
