Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
