Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
