she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
