I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
