I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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