Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My feet surprised me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
