I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
