Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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