i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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