don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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