You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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