I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
