i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think your dad took our porno
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
