did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
